Built to (be) last

Juice 8:15: "And He dost proclaimeth that the men and women of Recon shallt guesseth most wildly who shallt finish in position named eighth and position named last both in conference most-westerly and that most-oriental."

[Editor's note: Due to circumstances beyond the control of our 1,000-strong monkey typist pool, submissions have taken a week or two to hit the press, so a comment or ten might seem slightly out-of-date now.]


Avs2119
The Buffalo Sabres will finish 8th in the East. Why? Ryan Miller, enough said. In the West, I see the Kings getting it together and making a run and finishing 8th. In the East, the Senators will finish last, too many things to overcome for them to make a run out of the cellar. Out West, right now I'd say the Avs will finish last, but that would mean Edmonton would have to go one heck of a run, so barring a huge collapse by either St. Louis or Colorado, it will be the Oilers, but not for long.

Macksayev
In the East, the Buffalo Sabres will finish 8th, thanks to riding Ryan Miller, only to face the strongest opponent and of course go out in the first round... As for finishing last, the New York Islanders are there on my list. In the West, I'd put Anaheim in the 8th spot, after a bit of shuffling in the playoff race over there. As for last place, the Edmonton Oilers have that on lock down.

Ola
For the East, I say Buffalo gets 8th thanks to Miller and some clutch goal scoring from Vanek down the stretch. Isles/Sens toss up on which of them finish last in the East, I'll say that it's the Sens because the rebuild is on in Ottawa and the Isles somehow finish ahead of them... no idea how it will happen, but a gut feeling mixed in with some Sens hate haha.

In the West, I say Phoenix finishes 8th after a surge from current 8th place Minnesota (the BELIEVE movement is in full swing here haha) that will ultimately put them in the 5th-7th range (I wanted this in writing which is why I'm say it lol), and the Oilers finish last in the West again because they have that on lock.

LW3H
8th in the East: The Rangers, because their destiny is surely to get pounded by the Flyers instead of getting a winnable 2-7 matchup against the Lightning/Capitals, and I'm (just about) confident enough they won't slump enough to miss out entirely.

Last in the East: The Islanders, because they just belong.

8th in the West: About as impossible to predict as which DiPietro body part will fall apart next, but let's wildly guess at the Hawks, if only so they can beat the Canucks a round earlier than normal.

Last in the West: I'll speculate that the 14th placed team will continue stay as far away from Edmonton as Dany Heatley.

Mchiconsky
The searing pain was almost more than I could bear. What was causing this???? Light! Hideous, agonizing light! It was my computer monitor, filling the darkened room with an awful white light that jolted me awake. Someone had sent me a message. I took the half eaten sandwich off my cheek and sat up. It was a bad idea. My tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of my mouth. After attempting to dislodge it I realized it actually had been glued there. I looked across the room and saw the Pens Loving Poodle staring at me smugly, a flattened tube of Superglue next to him. Undeterred, I swished a half bottle of nail polish remover around in my mouth to break the tongue suction, swept a pile of empty beer cans off the desk chair and dragged myself into it.

I read the email. It was from Juice. She wanted a blog on who would finish last. Geeze, is it February already? Ok, if Juice wanted it, I was gonna do it. It would be a dark piece, but that fit my mood. I put on my Grinder cap, told the Pens Loving Poodle to put on a pot of coffee, and went to work. What? It could be only four sentences or one paragraph long? Is this some twisted Canadian haiku? The jagged little pieces of what used to be my brain couldn’t handle this kind of limitation. I couldn’t stop the torrent of ideas bursting out of me, although part of that was yesterday’s sauerkraut enchilada. I pressed on.

The East: I don’t know much about the East. Except that they play a different form of hockey. Something like Curling but tougher, and highlighted by goalie fights and mega contracts. Lots of teams are capable of rolling into the cutoff spot, and Buffalo has a good shot if they can continue their hot streak, but I’m liking Carolina. They’re playing .500 hockey their last 10 games, and I think they can hold on long enough to make it under the wire, although who knows how far they’ll go in the post season. As for who’ll be last in the East, my heart says Isles, but my brain says Sens. The fans say who cares, the rest of the East is so much better. My gut says what the hell was in that sandwich you ate half of? Petroleum jelly?

And now the West. Gritty, flinty, Ok, smelly. The battle for the Ocho is fierce here. A log jam where any team can steal the last sweet spot, with 8 teams separated by only 6 points. The Wild, Flames and Kings have all been playing well enough to get there. Take your pick. I’m going with the Flames. They just seem poised right now. As for last, although smart money is on Edmonton, my money is on the Avs. They are in freefall and losing top players to injury, and the latest news, that some panic stricken front office types, fresh from a Vodka and 5 Hour Energy weekend binge, are trying to jam Forsberg’s mangled feet back into ‘magic’ skates says all I need to hear. The haunted look of wounded prey is stamped on their chalky white faces.

And then it was done. I slumped over my desk, gasping in ragged breaths. It had taken everything in me, but I’d finished it. Exhausted I staggered to my feet and poured myself a stiff nail polish remover and 7-Up on the rocks, and then settled down in the bean bag chair to continue my Trailer Park Boys DVD festival. In the dim reflected light of Ricky’s car, I realized everything was going to be alright.

ted
East:
8th: Montreal...they've got no official first line, and every line has to play every night like it's a play off game. All their leading goal scorers are tiny. PK Subban FTW

Last: The Devils. I think Kovi will just give up...not that it matters because they probably can't fit a draft pick into their cap situation.

West:
8th: Chicago. They are only 3 points out, and they can play when their goalie doesn't piss himself.

Last: Sigh...Edmonton. I've become a fan of "Oil Change" but I think they need size. Their young kids are getting pushed around a lot.

Kate TG
Shock and awe, I'm going to go with my 'Canes for 8th in the East, just because there has to be some kind of justice in the world. They've played their little hearts out lately and Cam Ward seems to be busting out the old '06 jedi mind tricks to will the team into making the postseason. Also, I've put about 5 solid hours into the postseason guide and I'd guess I have about 10 more to go, and if it doesn't get used, I'm going to flip. Isles for last. They're just so sad.

I'll go Chicago for 8th in the West, even though it's a little unlikely, just because picking Chicago for everything last summer worked out pretty well...And Edmonton for last in the West. Because they're sadder.

Alicia
8th in the East: The New York Rangers. They have the defense and they have the goaltending, but their offense always makes me wonder. They'll squeak in and the Thrashers will get back into it and end up ahead of them in the standings. The Islanders will finish last because... There isn't really much else to say. I don't think things will get worse for the Sens and the Isles will fall into their usual place.

8th in the West: I say LA catches fire by climbing the standings and Calgary keeps pace to get the 7th seed as the Sharks finish 8th. I don't think Minnesota has it in them to keep up and despite their struggles, I think the Sharks will be able to stay in the race and grab the 8th seed. Edmonton will finish last in West. Need I say more?

Dagmar27
Eastern Conference: Eighth in the East will go to the Atlanta Thrashers, mostly because I want to see four of the five Southeast Division teams in playoffs this year - just to be spiteful. And 15th in the East will go to Ottawa, because they've already given up on the season and are unloading the team for all their worth - which apparently isn't much.

Western Conference: Eighth in the West will go to the San Jose Sharks, so that means they'll manage to make it past the first round this year for once. And 15th in the West will go to Edmonton, because no one wants to play there - just ask Pronger's wife.

ccd3m
I'll go with Buffalo at the 8th spot in the East despite my Brodeur/Lemaire infatuation, Ottawa in last.

I think Calgary will squeak into the 8th seed in the West and Colorado is pretty horrible right now so I think they just might pull off the impossible and finish behind the Oilers now that their goaltending is Brian Elliott.